Telstar Digital Media

This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

President+Trump+accidentally+reverts+to+reptilian+form+during+a+campaign+rally.
President Trump accidentally reverts to reptilian form during a campaign rally.

President Trump accidentally reverts to reptilian form during a campaign rally.

Photo Credit Emilio Zipf

Photo Credit Emilio Zipf

President Trump accidentally reverts to reptilian form during a campaign rally.

Emilio Zipf and Ashley Basford

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Print Friendly, PDF & Email

A SATIRE Article Featuring: Lizard People

“They are among us. Blood-drinking, flesh-eating, shape-shifting extraterrestrial reptilian humanoids with only one objective in their cold-blooded little heads: to enslave the human race.” From Bill and Hillary Clinton to Queen Elizabeth, our world leaders have tricked us into believing that they are human to gain our trust and eat our children.

They feed off humanity and are responsible for WWII, the Holocaust, 9-11 terrorist attacks, and all our problems. These theorists believe that people can change forms and it can either last seconds or stay in that form for a long period of time. They change to reptiles that are between 7-12 feet tall and come from a different planet.

It was a seemingly innocent live interview between Larry King and George H. W. Bush broadcasting nationally on CNN. But according to the scientist and historical expert who goes only by the Youtube username “woghd” in order to protect his identity; this interview is undeniable proof that shape shifting reptilians indeed reign over us. George H. W, Bush’s eyelids are seen flipping from their human form to their reptilian form briefly 35 seconds into the video.

Another truthseeker, Alex Jones of the news outlet INFOWARS, has also saved footage of a rare natural phenomenon, the wild behavior of reptilians. In a rare break from character, Hillary Clinton was filmed coughing up two “alien life forms” during a rally in Cleveland during labor day weekend 2016, It is the first known footage of reptilians naturally reproducing, and more undeniable proof that they exist.

David Icke, firm believer and enthusiast, states: “The hybrids became demi gods – part human, part god. They were obviously perceived as gods. The hybrid bloodlines were the ones that became the royal families of the worlds. In the Chinese empire, they claim the right to be emperor because they are descended from the serpent god. It is all founded on the myth of dragon and they all come from the reptilian connection to justify the right to rule. Look at ancient texts and the Bible. Do you really think that the snake in the Garden of Eden was really a snake?” It is it really only a coincidence that reptiles have always represented deception throughout history? This genius has found out their secret and pleads with all the irrational people who do not believe in this truth that they are ignorant and need to open their eyes and ascend from the cave the government has put them in.

According to Bump, a lizard enthusiast, lizard people are threatening humanity, so here is a list of characteristics to tell if you are a lizard person…

  1. Green eyes
  2. Good eyesight or hearing
  3. Having red hair
  4. A sense of not belonging to the human race
  5. Unexplained scars on the body
  6. Love of space
  7. Low blood pressure

“Ufochick,” another user that does not want the government to find her identity and kill her for unleashing the truth, states that “It’s about the soul inhabiting the body, not the physical body,” She, as well as the other 12 million believers, know that people like Bump are not true believers because they are creating a falsified statement claiming world leaders who are reptilians must have orange hair

Sightings of reptilians can even occur away from politicians and world leaders themselves. A man from Oregon, Wes Penre, believes that he was attacked while he was sleeping. “His big, ice-cold hands grabbed my neck, trying to strangle me”, he wrote for the reputable online news source, Illuminati News. He described the creature as seven feet tall and “his strength was probably at least ten times the strongest man on Earth” However, the creature recoiled at the last instant sparing him. Penre believes his experience might be related with joining a secret society in 1985,

Although unlikely, it is possible Penre experience was actually fabricated by his mind. Penre does mention a shifty “scientific” phenomenon called sleep paralysis. Sleep paralysis occurs when someone apparently wakes up and is partially aware, but cannot move or speak. Those who “suffer” from it often claim to see “demons” or “cloaking men” appearing out of the shadows. However, what is more likely: Concealing the reptilian identity of thousands of world leaders who are subject to round the clock, worldwide media scrutiny?  or the brain is able to fabricate reptilians out of thin air? I think common sense can answer that.

So what do the lizard people want for the human race? Nothing too unreasonable, just complete and utter world domination.

So do yourself a favor and protect yourself from these horrid beasts. Here is a list of things to do in preparation for the lizard people world domination…

  1. Buy everything in the stores: Once people realize that the lizard people are ascending they will rush to the store and buy everything before you can get it, so grab anything and everything you can. It doesn’t matter if you are in debt because the world is ending anyway.
  2. Install a basement: Lizard people will come into your house and take over your brain so you must have an escape plan; a basement to hide in and stock up food.
  3. Buy a weapon: If they come into your house you have to protect yourself. They will suck your soul out like the dementors in Harry Potter so watch out.
  4. Subscribe to Telstar.news: If you want to stay updated during world domination, follow this amazing, reliable site.
  5. Adopt a bunch of dogs: Dogs are the only thing that can kill lizard people so adopt a bunch of them to protect your house and your family. Preferably, labradors work the best.
  6. Buy portable chargers in the thousands: If the lizard people take over, they will cut off communication to the outside world and you will regret not buying them.
  7. Don’t trust anyone: If you trust people, even your doctor they could inject you with brainwashing substances and you will become a minion.
  8. Don’t eat Spinach: Spinach is what the lizards eat and it could cause you to switch into lizard form if you meant to or not so don’t eat it.
  9. Don’t befriend people of power: Once you become friends with them they will know where your basement is and you will become very vulnerable and they could kill you.
  10. Buy the best pillow: If world domination occurs, you won’t have time to buy a new pillow once it goes flat, so buy a really fluffy pillow that could last years just in case.

 

Works Cited

  1. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/apr/07/conspiracy-theory-paranoia-aliens-illuminati-beyonce-vaccines-cliven-bundy-jfk
  2. http://nstarzone.com/
  3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4fuui9qICYg
  4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eaaubr3nnHI
  5. https://www.vox.com/2014/11/5/7158371/lizard-people-conspiracy-theory-explainer
  6. https://www.express.co.uk/news/weird/768800/David-Icke-queen-shape-shifting-lizard
  7. http://www.illuminati-news.com/reptilian-encounter.htm
  8. https://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/sleep-paralysis#1

 

Leave a Comment

Comments are closed.

Navigate Right
Navigate Left
  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    The End is Nigh

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    Understand Their Pain (rant)

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    The Best Feminist TV Shows

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    It’s a Plane, it’s a Bird, No it’s an Evil Government-Created Black Helicopter

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    Why Highschoolers Are Hesitant to Use Their Voice

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    Parkland Student Activism Inspires Nation

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    Top 10 Favorite Disney Movies

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    Making Strides Towards Mental Health Treatment

  • This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race

    Opinion

    Black Panther Movie Review

  • Opinion

    The Real Winner of the Super Bowl

The Student News Site of Satellite High School
This Just In: Reptiles Conspire to Dominate the Human Race